Avoir peur, c'est avoir envie de vivre.

I think my brain's trying to tell me something.
"Come on, Flotte, take a break."
"Forgive. Forget. Fake it. Chin up. Wear lipstick, make lists, make sure your voicemail isn’t full. Mix protein shakes, send timely thank you notes, sip drinks more slowly, stare at adults’ eyebrows, smile without dimples, develop perfect posture. Be gracious, be kind, eliminate self-pity. Look in the mirror and shift your internal monologue from ‘How do I look?’ to ‘This is my face,’ from ‘What the hell am I doing?’ to ‘This is my life.’ Capitalize your emails, read the news, walk briskly, stay focused, and never, ever let on that you are somewhat lost and sometimes lonely and so completely confused (and would someone please just let me know what it is I’m supposed to do next, where exactly I’m supposed to go–). Just keep going. Go, and do not stop."


(I'm sorry, I just don't know how I'm supposed to behave with you anymore. I'll probably not call because of that even though I really want to. And it's hard on me. I do want to be your friend. I just don't know how to be a friend 'cause I never really was your friend. And I actually don't feel like your friend right now, 'cause you basically don't really take time for that. Which I understand. I mean, I too have friends that I don't get in touch with for ages and then call and have a drink with them like if it was just yesterday. I too have a job that takes time and requires me to go to bed early and get up early. It's just really tough to go from being your girlfriend to that. Not that I have feelings for you anymore. Just that I used to talk to you a lot, that I was sharing a lot of my worries, joy and feelings with you, and I haven't really had the chance to do that anymore. It feels like it never existed and I disagree so much with that. I don't share stuff like that to anybody. And I kind of used you as my strength for a while, to be able to go on with life and everything, and it just feels like it was suddenly taken away from me and I'm starting to fall off the top of the cliff. You were my rock, and I trusted you - and I still do no matter what happened - but right now my trust is just eroding away under my feet, like it had no reason to be, and it was just an illusion.
I can't keep going like that. It scares me. It terrifies me to not know which way I'm going. Sometime I feel like it's ok, and I'm just happy with it, sometime I'll just feel crushed inside and wonder how I can even think of still coming in November, not knowing what I'll find there. Friends, acquaintances, or strangers? Maybe a future that I could like? Maybe a past that I should just forget about? I'm scared. I'm really scared, you know. I'm not asking you to tell me, obviously not. I just need to build my trust back, that bridge that everybody is building for himself, and I feel like I need your friendship to do it. At least for now. Just don't let me fall, I'm not that strong.)
Discovering that nobody needs you.

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